Today I want to talk about the most vulnerable topic for me — weight and weight loss. If you’ve followed me for years, you know that my weight issues have been an ongoing struggle for me. It’s been a sensitive area for me for the last two decades. My real struggle with weight began shortly after Matt and I got married 24 years ago, and I’m not quite sure what happened, but I completely lost control of my weight.
I think there were several factors involved. First, four months after Matt and I got married, my dad died suddenly and unexpectedly of a heart attack. That sent me into a complete tailspin, and when I’m stressed or sad, I turn to food. Just a year-and-a-half after that, Matt was diagnosed with M.S. We had only been married for two years, still getting used to married life, when we received this news. That led to another tailspin.
A couple of years later, Matt and I decided to move to Waco from Oregon. We had gotten married in Oregon and started our married life in Oregon, but I was born in Waco, had lived here most of my life, and I wanted to be closer to my mom after the death of my dad. We lived in a rental home in a Waco suburb for the first year, and then we bought our condo right by the campus of Baylor University. And along with a college campus comes the convenience of just about every fast food restaurant imaginable. We were there for seven years, surrounded by cheap (at the time), convenient food and drinks (namely, Dr. Pepper), and we took full advantage of it. And as you can imagine, my weight ballooned out of control.
I don’t even have many pictures of me at my heaviest because I would avoid the camera at all costs. And if someone did happen to take a picture of me, I wouldn’t look at it. I took every measure to avoid the reality. I can’t even bring myself to tell you how much I weighed at my heaviest. It’s a number that seems unfathomable to me now. It’s a number that I can’t even bring myself to say to my mom or my closest friends. I struggle to say it even to Matt, although he knows. He lived it with me. It’s a number that should never be associated with a woman who’s only five feet tall. So for now, it’s a number that resides only in my head. Maybe when I reach the end of this journey, I’ll be able to bring myself to say/write the number.
But let me just say that when I was at my heaviest, and I would calculate the total number of pounds I needed to lose in order to reach my goal weight, that number was over 100 pounds. It was over 110 pounds. It was higher than that by quite a bit. And if you’ve never experienced that yourself, I can’t even explain to you how insurmountable it feels to see that number well over 100 pounds.
Over the years, I’ve tried many diets — HCG, keto, carnivore. Each one of those has had a measure of success. I lost weight with each one, but then I’d lose focus and the weight would start creeping up again. The good news is that I haven’t been one of those stories that we all hear about people who go on a diet, lose weight, and then go off the diet and gain all of the weight back plus some. That hasn’t been my story. But my story hasn’t been one of overall success, either.
Instead of gaining all of the weight back plus some, I’ve managed to keep some of the weight off with each attempt over the years. But with all three of my major attempts over the last eight or so years, I would say that I gained about half of the weight back each time.
Anyway, all of that to say that on July 12th, something changed. I can’t really pinpoint exactly what changed in my mind, but something snapped in me and I found my determination. I think part of it was seeing how hard Matt is trying. He’s going to the gym three times a week, and while it’s incredibly challenging for him, he persists. I think it’s also the realization that I need to do this not only for myself, but also for Matt. I can’t be the best caretaker for him if I’m not taking care of myself.
But on July 12th, I found my determination to make huge changes starting the next day. And since Monday, July 13th, I have lost 23.5 pounds. I am now at the lowest weight I’ve been in probably two decades. I’m feeling so determined and so motivated right now. I’m not using any kind of pills, injections (no GLP-1 for me, although I have no judgment for those who want and need to use those things), no calorie counting, no carb counting, no restricting myself to just eating animal protein…nothing like that.
I’ll tell you how I’ve done it in a minute (and no, I’m not selling anything), although I don’t think that’s the real story here. The real story is that something in my mind changed, and mindset is the biggest battle when it comes to this struggle. At least, that’s been true for me. My biggest battle has been inside my mind.
And the best and most exciting thing is that when I now look at the number of pounds that I have to lose to reach my goal weight, it’s not over 100 anymore. It’s well under 100. That number is now 66. That number feels so doable, so manageable. And considering that I lost the first 23.5 pounds in 45 days, 66 pounds now seems more like a motivating challenge than an insurmountable mountain.
Two night ago, I was in my closet trying on random pieces of clothing to see how things were fitting me now that I’m at my lowest weight in two decades. I was having fun trying on pants and seeing how they’re not tight in the waist anymore, and trying on shirts and seeing how they’re fitting so much looser in the shoulders and arms these days.
And then I saw the pants. My pants nemesis. I’ve had this pair of pants for ten years now, and i’ve never once worn them. This is a pair of pants that I bought a Walmart ten years ago, and I just bought them based on the size, but I didn’t try them on. (FYI, I was delusional if I thought this was my size ten years ago.) When I bought them, I couldn’t even get them on over my hips. But for some reason, I held onto them rather than returning them.
With each weight loss attempt, when I reached that bottom weight with each of the three big attempts, I tried the pants on again. I could get them on, but they were super tight everywhere. They were so tight in the waist that I couldn’t breathe. They were so tight in the stomach that I didn’t think I could even sit down in them. They were so tight in the thighs that they showed way too much. They were even tight in the knees and calves.
But I still held onto them for some reason. So two nights ago when I was trhing on clothes, I saw those pants. My nemesis for the last 10 years. I pulled them out and decided to try them on, but before I did, I readied myself to be disappointed…again. I pulled them on, and THEY FIT!!!! They actually fit me! After ten years of warring with these pants, they finally fit me.
I was so excited that I almost cried. I wore them all day yesterday — to lunch with my mom, to my church group last night. And I felt so proud of myself. Yes, I’m still overweight, but this was a major hurdle.
And I’m just feeling good. And motivated. And determined. Here’s me last night at 10:00 before I went to bed.
Compare that to me in January 2023.
And me in July 2019.
I’m so encouraged by the difference I see in myself.
Addicted 2 Decorating is where I share my DIY and decorating journey as I remodel and decorate the 1948 fixer upper that my husband, Matt, and I bought in 2013. Matt has M.S. and is unable to do physical work, so I do the majority of the work on the house by myself. You can learn more about me here.
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